|Canned Coffee Part 2...||(Entered Sep. 08, 2008)||Sponsors:|
"Canned coffee companies continue to create their crappy, caffeinated creations while covering the cans with queer but captivating comments!", is the title I wanted to use for this article but I didn't have enough room up on top.
In what ways can a coffee be innocent? Perhaps it's that doe-eyed way it looks at you when you wake up in the morning. Maybe it's trying to say that it has nothing to do with the fact that you can't sleep at night and are on the fast track for getting diabetes. Or it could be it's telling us that it had no part in that mysterious incident where 30 top managers from rival coffee companies were found at the bottom of the Arakawa river.
Innocent or not, it still tastes like any other canned coffee out there, and by that I mean some weak, watery beverage with a hint of stale coffee flavour, a bit of fake creamer and a whole lot of sugar. Final word here? Guilty.
Remember when Crystal Pepsi came on the market? How awesome was that? I was hoping, praying even, for a some kind of change in taste, appearance, smell, whatever, in the canned coffee world, and thought that maybe my prayers had finally been answered. Clear coffee, no matter how bad, would still score major points for coolness.
Of course it wasn't clear though, just the usual brownish, muddy-looking variety. Ok so it's not 'clear' but is it at least 'fine'? Well you know how it is. Once you start lying it becomes like a bad habit, you just can't stop. In conclusion, don't believe everything you read, and when it comes to canned coffee, don't believe anything you read. Once again I have to deal with some metallic, weak tasting, oversweet coffee.
How's that coffee you're drinking? Kind of rough? A bit harsh? Then why not switch to Fire's new Menthol taste? It's the smoothest taste around. One sip and you'll feel like you just teleported to Antarctica, which may or may not be a good thing for you. If you happen to be walking around downtown Tokyo in the sweltering heat of August while wearing a suit, well no doubt you'll be pretty happy about it, at least for a few minutes, then you'll die of hypothermia. However If you already live in Antarctica, then you probably won't care very much.
Back to reality. If you're thinking that a mint-like menthol coffee might be kind of cool, you'll have to keep waiting, as Fire Menthol has only the barest hint of mintiness. Actually it's less like a hint and more like some dream that you just can't remember, like this coffee was mentholated in a previous life or something.
Most people like to start at stage one and try and improve from there. However somtimes even stage one is too hard, and failing that, you fall backwards into the netherworld of stage zero. Dydo displays a surprising amount of honesty for a large corporation. Imagine, telling your customers how bad your product is before they buy it! Maybe it's one of those reverse psychology deals?
After trying it though I'm tempted to say they should have called it 'Stage Minus One'. 'Gagalicious' is the word that first comes to mind after sipping it. Stage Zero is a classic example of an epic fail in the canned coffee world. While other cans at least have real sugar and milk in them, Stage Zero does away with even that, so what you're left with is the usual fake coffee, and fake milk and sugar. What a treat.
Well overall this has been a pretty disapointing bunch. Are all canned coffees doomed to endure my critisism, ridicule and eternal damnation? There are hundreds of kinds of canned coffee out there, most of which I've tried, and most of which suck (I'm a glutton for punishment). You may be surprised to learn though that there are a couple which stand out as being 'not too bad'. In the spirit of generosity, and because I've been so negative before, maybe I'll review the few 'good guys' out there in a future post. Stay tuned!
Food for Thought...